that original lifeline
by Antigone2
Summary: Post-stars, Usagi and Mamoru struggle to find their new normal (Series of one-shots)
1. the heartlines on your hand

"Hey, Mamo-chan?" Usagi's voice rose above the heavy silence in the room, but didn't seem to break it. She shifted her legs beneath her and faced him on the sofa, hands folded in her lap. "Can I ask you a question?"

He looked up and nodded, his smile seeming to take the tension out of her shoulders for a moment.

"The girls think...," she trailed off and frowned, then seemed to shake herself and start over, "I was wondering, the ring you gave me?" His eyes fell to her hands, where the ring caught the afternoon sunlight for a moment, winking with the same golden hue that turned the dusty air in the apartment into golden sunbeams. "I love it so much... but... is it ... is it supposed to be an engagement ring or something?"

Usagi met his eyes, brows raised in curiosity. In typical Usagi fashion, her question was straightforward and unassuming. Just like the other time.

 _"Do you love me?" she'd asked all those nights ago, and the question took his breath away like a punch in the stomach._

And, just like that time, Mamoru found himself momentarily unable to give her his answer.

Instead, his eyes fell on the brooch that still nestled in the bow of her uniform, its unique garishness defeating the very purpose of a uniform. Not that it mattered. To Mamoru, Usagi always stood out from her peers - her movements and expressions, stature and hairstyle, even the way she carried herself - his eyes always sought and found her in crowds. Looking away was the more difficult part.

He'd seen her just a few days ago, on the sidewalk near Juuban High - part of a giggling gaggle of loud teenage joy - boys and girls mingling together and at least six conversations happening at once. Makoto was there, school satchel slung over her shoulder, but besides her and Usagi, no one else was familiar to Mamoru. Usagi was deep in conversation with a slightly taller kid, shaking her head vehemently and speaking with such passion Mamoru surmised the topic had to be either video games or desserts.

And in that startling moment - Usagi seemed so... real. So _normal_. So young. Like she could be any teenage girl, laughing with her mouth open and swinging her school bag from her finger, the biggest worry tomorrow's math test and who was gossiping about whom.

Normal teenage girls don't have as intimate a relationship with death and loss, fear and redemption.

As he watched, Usagi turned and waved at a small group who split off at the intersection, suddenly everything she'd endured - _would still endure_ \- was as clear as the sunlight glinting off both her brooch and the ring on her finger.

"Mamo-chan?" Usagi prompted, bringing him back to the present. Warm little hands wound their way around his arm, her cheek rested on his shoulder, and his throat closed up with the sheer violence of how much he needed her.

Because _of course_ it was an engagement ring.

So selfish in his wanting, he'd almost proposed to her right in the airport, minutes before leaving her behind. Instead, he told himself it was enough that she'd had the ring and when he came back - when he came back, he'd ask her for real.

Hell, if propriety and logistics could be ignored he'd marry her immediately, their unfinished education and lack of income a pale deterrent when faced with another night alone.

But now she looked at him, so young, so unassuming, and he swallowed everything he wanted to say.

"It's just a ring," he said, finally, brushing his knuckles gently against her cheek. "A present."

Usagi's face broke into a genuine smile. "I love it _so_ much," she said. She bit her lower lip for a moment, beaming at him. Then she buried her head against his shoulder, squeezing his arm with hers until his fingers tingled. "Thank you again. I never take it off."

He reached over and curled the fingers of his other hand around one of hers as the room descended into silence. He kept the book open in front of him, but his eyes remained unfocused on the page.


	2. all of my stumbling phrases

Mamoru's apartment was always so quiet, Usagi thought, grabbing a throw pillow and settling it under her head, lying back on the floor.

He wasn't home, not that she had told him she was coming by, so he couldn't be blamed. Still, Usagi wondered briefly what he was doing, who he was spending his time with, what they were talking about. She'd considered paging him, and decided against it. It's not like she had anything important to tell him.

She shut her eyes and turned her head into the pillow. It had Mamoru's scent, and she felt inexplicably comforted.

Usagi didn't realize she'd dozed off until she was awoken by a door slam down the hallway. She sat up blearily and rubbed her eyes. Judging by the darkness that had fallen over the room, it was late evening, and she was still alone in the apartment. Standing up and stretching, Usagi decided to head to Rei's, which was where her mother thought she was anyway.

She had just finished locking the door behind her when the elevator doors opened and Mamoru stumbled out, looking at her in confusion.

"Usako?" He was slightly disheveled and his face was a definite shade of pink and he was blinking at her as if trying to convince himself she was really there.

"Hey," she said, by way of greeting. Mamoru was fumbling a bit for his key, so she turned and unlocked the door for him with hers.

Usagi let him step inside ahead of her and watched with mild consternation as he leaned heavily on the inner wall, pulling his shoes off with obvious difficultly.

"I didn't know you were here," he mumbled, his words slurring just slightly. "I'm so sorry. There was an izakaya party... it went late..."

Usagi shrugged, "It's okay. I like hanging out here. You are okay with that, right?"

He pulled her toward him, losing his balance in the process, and almost falling over. "Come here all the time," he said, leaning down heavily so his face rested on her shoulder. "Live here. Move in with me."

"So there was drinking at this party, I take it," she said, wrinkling her nose slightly at the cloying scent of alcohol that clung to him, and bracing herself against the wall to keep them from toppling over. He'd mentioned about the college parties he'd been to, and they'd been to fancy gatherings together that included champagne and such, but Usagi had never seen him this far gone. She felt a rush of concern mixed with affection. He was clinging to her like a child, and she couldn't help brushing her fingers through his hair, slightly.

"Yeah," he said, his face still buried in her neck. "Sorry," he added again, halfheartedly. His arms were still around her, and he seemed in no hurry to leave. "You're warm.." he mumbled, pulling her closer. "And you smell so good..."

Feeling heat rise to her face, Usagi pushed him back a little. "C'...c'mon," she urged, "let's get inside okay?" She slipped her own shoes off and half walked, half pulled them over to the sofa. Mamoru sat down heavily, not letting go of her hands.

"You're so pretty," he said, pulling on her slightly and lifting one hand up to her face, her hair. "You are so pr- do you know that? When you look in the mirror are you just like 'damn, I'm so pretty'?"

"Yeah, sometimes," Usagi said, gently working her hand free from his grasp. "You need water-"

"No," he whined, pulling on her again until she tumbled down onto his lap. "I need _you,_ just...please, Usako, let me hold you." His voice took on a pleading edge and Usagi swallowed hard, her chest suddenly aching. When had he last embraced her? They'd been so strange, so hesitant with each other since he'd returned to Japan. And Mamoru had always needed so much extra affection all the time, she realized she'd forgotten that.

Usagi settled down onto his lap and he put his arms around her, his head resting again on her shoulder. His hand gripped the fabric of her shirt, the other curled around the back of her head. He hugged her so tightly she almost cried out.

"Why did you ask me that?" he slurred, his voice muffled by her shoulder.

Usagi pulled back, looked at him carefully. "What, Mamo-chan?" she brushed her hand on his cheek, tenderly. His eyes looked so sad all of a sudden.

"Why did you ask me if I loved you? Before?"

She blinked in surprise. Of all the things, this wasn't what she expected him to say.

"B- because I wanted to know?"

"You didn't know?" he still looked sad, confused. This was obviously something that'd been bothering him for a while. With him in his present state, he'd sprung it on her out of the blue and Usagi felt ill-equipped to answer. "What do I need to _do,_ Usako, what do I -"

"It's me, okay?" Usagi interrupted, forcing a laugh and shaking her head. "It's just silly, stupid me. You know how I get!" She lowered her head, her bangs shielding her eyes. "I never know. Or, I _know_ but..."

It was like her heart had a leak, his words and actions would fill it up completely until it drained out again. Her need for assurance and affection was near constant. She knew this was a difficult thing to ask of anyone - but she also knew that in many ways he was the same. "This is how I am. I'm dumb, you know that I- I always need to be told things."

He caught her face in his hand and pulled her toward him. His kiss was clumsy, but laced with an anguish she hadn't expected. He pulled away and looked almost on the brink of tears.

"I don't know how to explain it," he said, agitated. "I've tried. I've studied the brain and the heart and the mind and I've read books, sonnets, plays, I've read poems, in every language I know - I can recite and even write my own. You know I could give you a moving speech right now on anything you want! I can do all of that and I can't... I can't ex _plain_ , Usako. I can't define it. I can't tell you how I feel because there _isn't a word_."

"Love, Mamo-chan, the word is love."

"It's not!" he pulled her toward him again, his arms clutching her to him like she was a lifesaver and he was drowning. "This is more than love. This _passed love_ at the speed of light and you can't exceed the speed of light-"

"Mamo-chan."

"-except maybe at the event horizon of a black hole - the theories aren't sound but, Usako, getting that close to an event horizon could _really hurt you-"_

"Mamo-chan."

"-and I feel like we've done that too many times before and I can't see you hurt again, so I won't but -"

"Chiba Mamoru will you shut up!" she cried and he froze, finally allowing her to sit up again. And get some air back in her lungs.

Mamoru blinked up at her like a scolded child. Usagi felt a smile soften her face. "The word is love," she said, gently. He opened his mouth to protest but she just put a finger to his lips. "I understand, okay?"

He looked confused. "I love you, too," she said. She kissed his forehead and he attempted to catch her lips with his and missed, so she gently put her hands on his face and kissed him, softly, just once. He protested a little when she pulled back.

"You taste so sweet..." he murmured, his eyes slipping shut. "Like vanilla and sugar..."

"Jeeze, Mamo-chan," she chided, her face burning. She pushed him back and stood up.

Usagi went to the kitchen and poured a glass of water, walking it carefully back to him. "Here, can you dr-" she stopped when she realized he'd fallen asleep, arm slumped over the arm of the couch. She placed the water on the table in front of him, and gently tried to arrange his body on the couch so he wouldn't hurt in the morning.

Then she went to the phone, to tell Rei she wouldn't be sleeping over at the shrine after all.

Mamoru's apartment was always so quiet. But, it could be peaceful, too.


	3. here amongst the living

Mamoru never had trouble sleeping alone before.

Sleep itself was always somewhat of a troublesome necessity in his life. Dreams had always haunted him; if it wasn't flashes of the horrific accident of which he had no conscious memory, it was the enigmatic pleas from a princess he couldn't identify. Then, it was dire warnings about Usagi's death, then it was The Silence ending the world in red and black and mouths opened in unheard screams. Lately, his sleep had been mostly dreamless, which wasn't comforting - too much like death.

No, sleep was never a particular friend to Mamoru. But that he was used to.

It was only now that he looked at his bed skulking in the corner of his room like an enemy. It wasn't the dreams (or lack thereof), or his general restlessness which he'd had his whole life to adjust to.

No, now sleep meant something brand new. It meant hours without interaction with the world.

Hours with no proof he was actually alive.

* * *

"What are you doing?" Suspicion colored over the sleepiness in Luna's voice.

Usagi cringed a little, one arm already through her jean jacket, leggings pulled up beneath her pink nightgown. "Erm..." She pulled on her lip a little with a sheepish shrug. "I... kinda wannagocheckonMamochan," she mumbled.

"It's the middle of the night," Luna lectured, shaking her head. "I'm sure Mamoru is fast asleep. He has classes in the morning you know."

Usagi sighed. It was true, Mamoru was incredibly busy making up classes he'd missed while being - she abruptly ended her thoughts there, but Luna's softening gaze made it obvious she'd followed Usagi's train of thought as well.

"I just... wanna make sure he's..." She shrugged helplessly. "I called but... I got his answering machine." Her voice hitched a bit.

Hiding her sympathetic look in a disapproving shake of her head, the cat stood up and stretched her lean body. "I'm sure he just slept through your call. I'll go check on him," she said. "I'll make sure he's safe and alive and then will you go to sleep? And stop the nonsense idea of galavanting around the city at all hours of the night?"

"I guess," she pouted a bit. She'd wanted to see Mamoru herself - it'd been a while since she'd had any real time with him. But Luna's gaze held no room for argument. "Thanks," she threw out, only a little grudgingly, Luna leapt to the window and gave Usagi a cat-smile on her way out.

It was about an hour later that Luna returned to see Usagi still awake, much to her guardian's chagrin.

"So? Was he asleep?" Usagi asked, "Did he look like he was having nightmares? Did you wake him? Or was he peaceful?" her eyes turned dreamy for a moment, "He looks so peaceful when he's sleeping. Like a little boy..."

"Sure, sure," Luna said, quickly. She patted herself a little downy spot on Usagi's bed and made to lay down. "His place was fine, no sign of anything strange."

"Luna," Usagi's voice lowered, eyes narrowed.

The cat sighed, looked up and Usagi and admitted: "He wasn't there."

* * *

The all-night cafe was harshly lit, noisy from the clientele and the electronic staccato of the panchiko parlor next door. A strange sort of sanctuary.

A giggling group of post-nomikai college girls clustered at a nearby table, giggling over their coffees with red faces and bleary eyes, voices loud and happy. Stirring the spoon in his tea, Mamoru couldn't help being reminded of Usagi and the girls; since he'd returned, their dynamic so different without Chibi-Usa there, with their newfound maturity as high school juniors, their talk peppered with references he didn't understand and inside jokes that didn't include him after his long absence from their lives. From her life.

The tired, 'welcome' called out from the two employees was the only indication someone else had entered the shop, and it wasn't until Mamoru felt the slight tingling feeling of someone's gaze that he turned around.

She smiled.

"I knew if I wandered around long enough, I'd run into you."

He blinked, fighting the tug at his lips as best he could. It was best to be firm - Usagi shouldn't be out this late. Not that she couldn't take care of herself (and then some), but it was the middle of the night and she needed to sleep. But then she dimpled a sweet smile, the one that rendered him helpless.

"You always do," he answered.

* * *

They went back together, Usagi tsking a bit at Mamoru's perfectly made bed. "You didn't even try to sleep," she admonished. "You know, even if you feel restless sometimes just laying down all cozy will - what?"

"Not everyone is as talented at sleeping as you, Odango Atama," he said, and he realized he was smiling. Hadn't stopped smiling since he saw her in the cafe like she'd answered a call he didn't know he had sent.

She'd shed her jacket and leggings, and sat cross-legged on the bed in her nightgown, tilting her head and wrinkling her nose at the nickname. He couldn't believe she'd gone out to look for him in her nightie, hair half-heartedly pulled into pigtails, sneakers shoved over bare feet. What a ridiculous girl. What a ridiculous, wonderful girl.

After donning the pajamas he kept in drawer specifically for when Usagi and Chibi-Usa would stay over (normally he slept in only boxers, but for obvious reasons that was eschewed when the girls were there), and brushing his teeth, he'd reentered his bedroom to find Usagi quietly looking out the window. The city sparkled below, the air thick with light. Tokyo was never dark.

Someday, he'd have to take her somewhere where she could see the sky. The thought came unbidden and almost irresistible - to just take her hand and run away to somewhere away from everything. Just him, just her. Just for the little bit of time they had before they once again belonged to everybody.

Instead, he just let her climb in bed next to him.

Usagi took his hand, curling his fingers through his. "We still fit, right, Mamo-chan?" her voice was small, so different from the boisterous bossiness when she had been been ordering him to get ready for bed, and to try to sleep.

He looked at their intertwined hands, resting on his stomach. "We'll always fit," he said, in a comforting voice. Things were different now, and Usagi never did well with different. He needed to reassure her. "You ... it's us." She bit her lip and he released her hand and shifted over to face her, reaching up to caress her face. "It was always us. It will always be us."

She kissed him.

It was something new, the fact that she'd just kiss him herself without hinting and tugging his sleeve and puckering her lips and waiting for him to kiss her. But it wasn't something he thought he'd have any trouble getting used to. She was changing. He had changed.

But her lips were still so sweet, her skin so soft. He ran his fingers through the soft curls of hair around her ear and neck, as her arms wound around his shoulders. They kissed deeply, languidly. He swept his tongue into her mouth, seeking more of her familiar sweetness, as comforting as it was intoxicating. She pressed herself closer to him, hitching her leg up against his, and he felt his heart shudder at the rush of desire that threatened to overtake him.

This wasn't as innocent as it should be, as he needed it to be, right now.

So he pulled back, kissing her nose and brushing her hair back from her forehead. "We'll always fit, Usako." She gave a small half-smile and nodded. Convinced. Maybe just for now, but convinced.

"G'night, Mamo-chan," she mumbled, already yawning and rubbing her eyes. She curled under his arm, head on his shoulder. The blonde strands tickled his nose, itched his neck, surrounded him with the soft perfume of her shampoo.

"Stay," he murmured, needlessly, as an unexpected and heavy sleepiness fogged his brain. It was a needless request, Usagi was curled up in his arms, practically asleep, clearly not planning going anywhere until morning. But he said it anyway, and she hummed a sweet acquiesce.

He tried to say his next works out loud but wasn't sure his lips actually moved. The words were lost in the surprisingly peaceful way sleep was settling over him like a blanket, safe with this girl in his arms.

 _Marry me, Usako_.


End file.
